BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B

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You are in an empty room. [unless _deaths === 3] A large [[Door->Start Door]] stands to the South. There is a [[Window->Window]] to the East. [if secretDoor === 1] There is a [[Secret Door->Long Staircase]] to the North. [cont] <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div> [if _deaths === 3] The Dandelion destroys your world. . . . Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]] [if _demon === 1] > {text input for: '_secretEnd', required: false} > [[...->Fuck Demon]] [cont]

You cannot go that way > {back link}

You open the large door. [if _demon === 1] /Keep going. [cont] There is a [[Hallway]] to the south. > [[Back->Start]]

You are in a hallway. [if _demon === 1] /There's a gift for you in the Kitchen. [cont] [if getCarrot === 0] There is a [[Carrot]] on a table. [if getCarrot === 1] There is a table. [cont] There is an [[Empty Room->Start]] to the North. There is a [[Kitchen]] to the East. There is a [[Fleshing Room]] to the South. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

{embed passage: 'Reset'} [after 150ms; append] Run [after 300ms; append] "BAD" [after 450ms; append] goto [after 600ms; append] 31B-<span class="nospace"> [after 750ms; append] 361690_<span class="nospace"> [after 900ms; append] SERIAL_<span class="nospace"> [after 1050ms; append] 12 [after 1800ms] Welcome to BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B [after 2200ms] . [after 2500ms;append] . [after 2900ms;append] . [after 3300ms] > [[Start]] [after 3700ms] > [[Quit->Menu]]

You cannot get that > {back link}

getCarrot: 1 -- You get the carrot [if _demon === 1] /Do not insert. [cont] > [[Back->Hallway]]

You are in a Kitchen Parlour. [if killBear === 0] A narcissistic [[Bear]] blocks your path. [cont] [if killBear === 1] The [[Kitchen->Kitchen 2]] continues to the East. [cont] [if getMirror === 1] > [[Use Mirror->Bear 2]] [cont] There is a [[Hallway]] to the West. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

[if _demon === 1] . . . /I lied. [cont] [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] The Bear eats you. [after 3500ms] Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

_displayDate: (now.year - 100) -- <h3>BBC Computer 32K</h3> <sup style="margin-top: -20px; display: block;">BASIC</sup> > {text input for: '_query', required: false} > [[GO->Menu]] [unless _query === 'help'||_query === 'deaths'||_query === 'credits'||_query === '?'||_query === 'restart'||_query === 'time'||_query === 'run'||_query === 'changelog'] /I do not understand "{_query}". For a list of commands, type "help". [cont] [if _query === 'deaths'] You have died {_deaths} times this playthrough. Clicking "Restart" will reset this number. [cont] [if _query === 'changelog'] View Changelog? > [[Changelog]] [cont] [if _query === 'time'] The date is {now.day} {now.monthName}, {_displayDate}. The time is {now.timestamp}. [cont] [if _query === 'help'] Common Commands: > run > time > deaths > changelog > credits > restart [cont] [if _query === 'run'] What application would you like to run? > [[World Wide Web->https://cybersandbox.ca/]] > [[BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B->Start]] [cont] [if _query === 'hello'] "Goodbye" [cont] [if _query === 'restart'] The dandelion destroys your world. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[Y->Opening]] [cont] [if _query === 'credits'] Game by Carter Lovelace <a href="mailto:carter@strategylab.ca">Email</a> / [[Website->https://cybersandbox.ca]] Concept & Story by Mike "DoctorRandomercam" Stephenson > [[Subscribe to Mike->https://www.youtube.com/user/DoctorRandomercam]] > [[Watch the Series->https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLlSaFeesXDfQGSKehycnKX8posnT3BoxE]] [[Special Thanks]]

You have: ({_score}) Coins [if getCarrot === 1] Carrot [cont] [if getClunker === 1] Clunker [cont] [if getFeather === 1] Feather [cont] [if getGoblin === 1] Goblin [cont] [if getClock=== 1] Clock [cont] [if getSandals === 1] Sandals [cont] [if getSandals > 1] {getSandals} Sandals [cont] [if getCrap === 1] Trash [cont] [if getCrap > 1] {getCrap} Trash [cont] [if getMirror === 1] Hand Mirror [cont] [if getJug === 1] Jug of Rubbing Butter [cont] [if getSpoon === 1] Spoon [cont] [if getKey === 1] Old Key [cont] [if getAmulet === 1] Amulet of Succuroth [cont] [if getDuck === 1] Subdued Waterfowl [cont] [if getGlob === 1] Globule of Raw Air [cont] [if getBeans === 1] Mysterious Beans [cont] [if getHalbard === 1] The Bewitched Halbard of Gibbitus [cont] [if getArras === 1] Amulet of Arras [cont] > {back link} . . . > [[Give Up->Suicide]]

getCarrot: 0 getClunker: 0 getGoblin: 0 getFeather: 0 getSandals: 0 getClock: 0 getAmulet: 0 getDuck: 0 getMirror: 0 getBeans: 0 getSpoon: 0 getJug: 0 getGlob: 0 getHumid: 0 getArras: 0 getCrap: 0 getTroll: 0 getHalbard: 0 getKey: 0 getCorn: 0 getHogfat: 0 woodCounter: 0 spinCounter: 0 elephantCounter: 0 wallCounter: 0 oobCounter: 0 killBear: 0 killMonkey: 0 killPrincess: 0 killOrc: 0 killStatue: 0 lobster: 0 feedHorse: 0 getGollywog: 0 wrongTroll: 0 wizardTalk: 0 wizardQuest: 0 ghostDrink: 0 ghostKey: 0 minLang: 0 openLobby: 0 secretDoor: 0 _score: 0 _deaths: (passage.visits - 1) _dandelion (_deaths < 1): 0 _demon (_deaths < 1): 0 _query: '?' _name: 'who am I?' _ghost: 'who sent me?' _wizard: 'no you did not' _secretEnd: '/' --

You are in a Fleshing Room. [if getClunker === 0 && _dandelion < 2||getClunker === 0 && _dandelion > 2] A Brown [[Clunker]] hangs on the wall. [cont] [if _dandelion === 2] A [[Dandelion->Dandelion Get]] hangs on the wall. [cont] There is a [[Hallway]] to the North. There is a [[Weird Maze->Maze 1]] to the West. There is a [[Vestibule]] to the South. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

getClunker: 1 -- You get the Clunker [if _demon === 1] /I do not understand "Clunker". [cont] > [[Back->Fleshing Room]]

You are in a weird maze. [if _demon === 1] /The exit is West. [cont] [after 500ms] Where would you like to go? > [[North->Maze 2]] > [[East->Maze 1]] > [[South->Fleshing Room]] > [[West->Dead End]]

You are in a weird maze. [if _demon === 1] /The exit is East. [cont] [after 500ms] Where would you like to go? > [[North->Maze 3]] > [[East->Dead End]] > [[South->Maze 1]] > [[West->Maze 4]]

You are in a weird maze. [if getGoblin === 0] There is a [[Goblin]] [cont] [after 500ms] [if _demon === 1] /The exit is North. [cont] Where would you like to go? > [[North->Wheelhouse]] > [[East->Maze 1]] > [[South->Maze 2]] > [[West->Maze 4]]

The goblin looks at you. What would you like to do? > [[Talk->Talk Goblin]] > [[Attack->No Attack]] > [[Get->Goblin Get]] > [[Retreat->Maze 3]]

You get no response. > {back link}

It does not wish to be attacked > {back link}

getGoblin: 1 -- You get the goblin [if _demon === 1] /Good luck getting the goblin smell off your clothes [cont] > [[Back->Maze 3]]

You have fallen into quicksand! [if _demon === 1] /Now struggle. [cont] [after 500ms] Where would you like to go? > [[North->Maze 3]] > [[East->Maze 2]] > [[South->Stable]] > [[West->Dead End]]

You are in a Stable. [if _demon === 1] /Open the portcullis. [cont] There is a [[Horse]]. There is a [[Weird Maze->Maze 4]] to the North. There is a [[Portcullis]] to the East. There is a [[Kitchen->Kitchen 2]] to the West. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

[if _demon === 0] The horse looks at you. [cont] [if _demon === 1] The horse at you [cont] What would you like to do? > [[Talk->Talk Horse]] > [[Attack->No Attack]] > [[Get->No Get]] > [[Retreat->Stable]]

You open the Portcullis. [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] The Horse tramples you to death [after 3500ms] Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

It's a large, open window. You could easily climb through it. Outside, there is a [[Garden->Garden]]. > [[Back->Start]]

You are in a garden. [unless _dandelion === 1] There is a [[Fountain]]. There is a [[Clearing]] to the North. There is a [[Forest]] to the East. There is a [[Jungle]] to the South. There is a [[Window->Start]] to the West. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div> [if _dandelion === 1] The Dandelion destroys your world. . . . Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Dandelion End]] / [[N->Dandelion End]]

You look at the Fountain. [if lobster === 0] There is a [[Lobster->Lobster 1]]. [cont] [if lobster === 1] There is an Engulfed Lobster. [cont] > [[Back->Garden]]

The lobster ignores you. What would you like to do? > [[Talk->No Respond]] > [[Clean->Lobster 3]] > [[Get->Lobster 2]] > [[Retreat->Garden]]

The fountain turns to ice. > [[Back->Garden]]

You are in a Forest. Six [[Pixies]] dance around a [[Statue]] of a frightened bishop. There is a [[Pogo Stick]]. To the West there is a [[Garden]]. To the North there is a [[Beach->Beach 1]]. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

The pixies continue dancing. What would you like to do? > [[Talk->No Get]] > [[Attack->No Get]] > [[Get->Suicide]] > [[Retreat->Forest]]

It's a statue of a bishop. It looks frightened. > [[Back->Forest]]

[if getHogfat === 0] The Pogo Stick is encased in [[Hog Fat]]. [cont] [if getHogfat === 1] You don't need that. [cont] > [[Back->Forest]]

seaCounter: 0 -- You are on a beach. [if _demon === 0] A [[Dog->Dog 1]] is playing a [[Hurdy Gurdy->Dog 2]] while a [[Wizard]] creates Trolls inside a [[Wigwam]]. [cont] [if _demon === 1] A [[Dog->Dog 1]] is playing a [[Hurdy Gurdy->Dog 2]] near a burning [[Wigwam]]. [cont] [if getFeather === 2] There is a [[Feather]] on the sand. [cont] To the North the [[Sea]] is Orange. There is a [[Forest->Forest]] to the South. > [[Walk West->Beach 4]] > [[Walk East->Beach 2]] <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

The dog is playing a [[Hurdy Gurdy->Dog 2]] What would you like to do? > [[Talk->Dog 4]] > [[Attack->Dog 2]] > [[Get->No Get]] > [[Retreat->Beach 1]]

[if getKey === 0] You get no response. > [[Back->Beach 1]] [cont] [if getKey === 1 && wrongTroll === 0] "Did you bring the ingredients?" > [["Yes"->Ingredients]] > [["No"->Wizard Quest]] > [[Back->Wigwam]] [cont] [if wrongTroll === 1] "You cunt.", says the Wizard. > [[Continue->Wizard 2]] [cont] [if wrongTroll === 2] "Did you bring the ingredients?" > [["Yes"->Wizard No]] > [["No"->Wizard 3]] > [[Back->Wigwam]] [cont] [if wrongTroll === 3] You cannot talk to that. > [[Back->Wigwam]] [cont]

[if _demon === 1] /The Wigwam is on fire. > [[Back->Beach 1]] [cont] [if getKey === 0] The Wigwam is locked. > [[Back->Beach 1]] [cont] [if getKey === 1] You are in a Wigwam. A [[Wizard]] is creating Trolls. [if wrongTroll === 1] There is a [[Wrong Troll->Wrong Troll 2]]. [cont] [if wrongTroll === 2] There is a [[Wrong Troll->No Respond]]. [cont] [if wrongTroll === 3 && getTroll === 0] There is a [[Wrong Troll->Wizard]]. You sense a [[Presence->Demon 2]]. [cont] [if getKey === 1] > [[Exit Back Door->Mountain 4]] > [[Exit Front Door->Beach 1]] <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div> [cont]

seaCounter: (seaCounter + 1) -- [if seaCounter === 4] You drown the sea. . . . Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]] [unless seaCounter === 4||seaCounter === 2] You are the sea. What would you like to do? > [[North->Sea]] > [[East->Sea]] > [[South->Beach 1]] > [[West->Sea]] [cont] [if seaCounter === 2] You are the sea. What would you like to do? > [[North->Island]] > [[East->Sea]] > [[South->Sea]] > [[West->Sea]]

getFeather: 2 -- You try to get the Hurdy Gurdy. [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] The Dog bites you. [after 2700ms] . [after 3000ms;append] . [after 3300ms;append] . [after 3800ms] A worm crawls out of your leg and turns into a Feather. > [[Talk->Dog 4]] > [[Attack->Dog 3]] > [[Get->No Get]] > [[Retreat->Beach 1]]

The Dog bites you. [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] Your head turns wooden for a few seconds but the feeling passes. > [[Talk->Dog 4]] > [[Attack->No Attack]] > [[Get->No Get]] > [[Retreat->Beach 1]]

getFeather: 1 -- You get the feather. > [[Back->Beach 1]]

You attempt to talk to the dog. "The gaudy image you project on your world is like the blood that oozes from every inflamed pore of the gluttonous manchild of Baba-Voo. Turn back, foolhardy denizen! Ne'er on this most brutal of earths has a blind crawler as thee captured but a sliver of truth. Flee!" > [[Talk->No Respond]] > [[Attack->Dog 3]] > [[Get->No Get]] > [[Retreat->Beach 1]]

_dandelion: (_dandelion + 1) -- [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] The Dandelion destroys your world [if _dandelion === 2;append] [after 2500ms] Again. [if _dandelion === 3;append] [after 2500ms] Thrice. [if _dandelion > 3;append] [after 2500ms] {_dandelion} times. [after 3500ms] Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

You eye the dandelion cautiously. Whay would you like to do? > [[Eat->Dandelion Get]] > [[Attack->No Attack]] > [[Get->Dandelion Get]] > [[Retreat->Garden]]

[if woodCounter < 3] You are in a clearning with a large [[Tree]]. [cont] [if woodCounter === 3] There is a [[Beach->Beach 2]] to the North. [cont] There is a [[Dandelion->Dandelion]] in the grass. There is a [[Garden]] to the South. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

[if woodCounter < 3] You are in a Tree. There is [[Wood]]. [if _demon === 1] Suddenly a snake. [cont] You cannot go North. [if woodCounter === 3] You are a Beaver. There is a [[Beach->Beach 2]] to the North. [cont] There is a [[Clearing]] to the South.

There is wood. What would you like to do? > [[Eat->Eat Wood]] > [[Get->No See]] > [[Attack->No Hear]] > [[Back->Tree]]

/I don't see it. [if _demon === 1] > [[Address Demon]] [cont] > {back link}

You can't hear it. > {back link}

You are on a beach. [if getBeans === 0] A [[Dwarf Minotaur]] is frollicking with a handful of Mysterious Beans. [cont] [if getBeans === 1] The words "Af kyei n'all" are scrawled in the sand. [cont] To the North the [[Sea]] is magenta. [unless woodCounter === 3] To the South there is a [[Clearing]]. [cont] > [[Walk East->Beach 3]] > [[Walk West->Beach 1]] <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

"Ye be seen 'em off'n?" [if minLang === 1] > [["Ilhlo Prolobro"->Get Beans]] [cont] > [["What?"->No Respond]] > [[Retreat->Beach 2]]

You are on a beach. There's nothing here. To the North and East the [[Sea]] is Pink. > [[Walk West->Beach 2]] <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

You are on a beach. There's nothing here. To the North and West the [[Sea]] is Aquamarine. > [[Walk East->Beach 1]] <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

[after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] You die. [after 3500ms] Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

You are in a Jungle. There is a [[Garden]] to the North. The Jungle is too dense to the East. There is a [[Desert]] to the South. The [[Jungle->Jungle 2]] continues to the West. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

You are in a Desert. There is a [[Jungle]] to the North. There is a [[Mountain]] to the East. There is an [[Igloo]] to the South. There is a large [[Sand Dune]] to the West. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

iglooCounter: (passage.visits) -- You are in an Igloo in a Desert in a Jungle in a Garden. [if getCorn === 2] The Secret Door has been sealed with slime. [cont] [if iglooCounter % 4 == 0] You are at the centre of the Igloo. There is a [[Hole]] in the ceiling. [cont] [if iglooCounter % 7 == 0] There is a [[Rope]] hanging from the ceiling. [cont] What would you like to do? > [[North->Igloo]] > [[East->Igloo]] > [[South->Igloo]] > [[West->Igloo]] > Exit to [[Desert]] [if getCorn === 1] > Exit to [[Secret Door->Long Path]]

You get the rope. [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] You hang yourself. [after 3500ms] Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

You are in a Jungle. There is a [[Gollywog]] to the North. There is a [[path->Jungle]] to the East. There is a [[Desert]] to the South. The jungle is too dense to the West. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

[if getGollywog === 0] The Gollywog is trying to climb a tree. What would you like to do? > [[Talk->No Attack]] > [[Attack->Gollywog 3]] > [[Get->No Attack]] > [[Retreat->Gollywog 2]] [if getGollywog === 1] The Gollywog doesn't let you get away. . . . Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

_score: (_score + 1) getGollywog: 1 __ You avoid the Gollywog. [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] You scored 1 points. Your score is now 1. > [[Back->Jungle 2]]

You are in a Desert. [unless killMonkey === 1] A [[Sand Monkey]] is hiding behind a dune. [cont] There is a [[path->Desert]] to the East. The [[Desert->Desert 2]] continues to the West. > [[Preform Ritual->Ritual]] <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

[if killMonkey === 0] The Sand Monkey thinks you can't see him. What would you like to do? > [[Talk->No Respond]] > [[Attack->Kill Monkey]] > [[Get->No Get]] > [[Retreat->Sand Monkey 3]] [if killMonkey === 1] The Sand Monkey is dead. > [[Back->Desert]]

_score: (_score + 1) killMonkey: 1 -- You attack the Sand Monkey. You deal 1 damage. . . . [after 1000ms] The Sand Monkey attacks you. It misses. . . . [after 2000ms] You attack the Sand Monkey. You deal 1 damage. . . . [after 3000ms] You have killed the Sand Monkey. You got 1 points. Your score is now 1. > [[Back->Desert]]

[after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] Never turn your back on a Sand Monkey. . . . [after 3500ms] Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

You are at the centre of the Igloo. Above a hole in the ceiling sits an enormous Ig. [if getCorn === 0] There is an [[Ear of Corn]] on the floor below. [cont] > [[Back->Igloo]]

getCorn: 1 -- You eat the sticky, brown corn. You feel sick. You notice a [[secret exit->Long Path]] from the igloo. > [[Back->Igloo]]

getCorn: 2 -- You are on a Long Path. There is an [[Igloo->Igloo 2]] to the North. What would you like to do? > [[North->Igloo 2]] > [[East->Dead End]] > [[South->Dead End]] > [[West->Dead End]]

_score: (_score + 3) -- You are in the centre of the Igloo. Gallons upon gallons of rusty, fishy, brown slime come flooding from the hol ein the ceiling. You are quickly engulfed in the torrent and temporarily immobilised by the chunks of anonymous matter accruing in your eyes, nose and mouth. [after 3000ms] . [after 3300ms;append] . [after 3600ms;append] . [after 5000ms] The ear of corn you ate earlier causes you to void your stomach. You are violently sick. [after 6000ms] . . . You scored 3 points. Your score is now 3. > [[Back->Igloo]]

You are up a mountain. A [[Goat]] is wearing sandals. > [[Ascend->Mountain 2]] East > [[Descend->Desert]] West <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

The goat is wearing [[Sandals]]. What would you like to do? > [[Talk->Goat 2]] > [[Attack->No Attack]] > [[Get->Sandals]] > [[Back->Mountain]]

getSandals: (getSandals + 1) -- You get the Sandals. > [[Back->Goat]]

[if _demon === 0] The goat snubs you. [cont] [if _demon === 1] The goat ceases to exist for a moment, but the feeling passes. [cont] > [[Back->Goat]]

You are up a mountain. There is a [[Cave]] to the North. > [[Ascend->Mountain 3]] East > [[Descend->Mountain]] South <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

You are in a cave. [if getClock === 0] There is a [[Clock]] on the wall. [cont] The cave [[exit->Mountain 2]] is to the South. > [[Go Deeper->Cave 2]] <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

You read the clock. It says "Clock." > [[Get->Get Clock]] > [[Back->Cave]]

getClock: 1 -- You get the clock. > [[Back->Cave]]

You are deeper in the cave. [if minLang === 0] There is a [[Tome]] on the floor. [cont] [if minLang === 1] There is nothing here. [cont] > [[Back->Cave]]

You are up a mountain. [if _demon === 0] There is a [[Princess]] in a [[Cage]]. [cont] [if _demon === 1] There is a #entity.name in a [[Cage]]. [cont] > [[Ascend->Mountain 4]] North > [[Descend->Mountain 2]] West <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

[if killPrincess === 0] The princess looks distraught. What would you like to do? > [[Talk->Princess 2]] > [[Attack->Kill Princess]] > [[Get->No Get]] > [[Retreat->Mountain 3]] [if killPrincess === 1] The princess is dead. You didn't heed her words. > [[Back->Mountain 3]]

"Kill me! Surely kill me! Whatever I've done I'm sorry! Please end this nightmare!" > [[Talk->Princess 3]] > [[Back->Mountain 3]]

killPrincess: 1 -- You attack the Princess! [after 1000ms] . . . You kill the princess! [after 2000ms] . . . [[Back->Mountain 3]]

"I'm not a princess. I was just playing some dumb game and the next thing I know I'm here. Who are you?" > {text input for: '_name', required: true} > [[Respond->No Understand]] > [[Back->Mountain 3]]

[if _demon === 0] The cage is locked. [cont] [if _demon === 1] /There is an infinite swirling void, a lack of all things and the embodiment of utter unness within the cage. [cont] [if getKey === 1] Your Old Key does not fit the lock. [cont] > [[Back->Mountain 3]]

[if _name === 'who am I?'] "Say something!" > [[Back->Princess 3]] [cont] [unless _name === 'who am I?'||_name === 'larry'] /I do not understand "{_name}". > [[Continue->Princess 4]] [cont] [if _name === 'larry'] The ghost whore continues weeping///...[BAD ERROR].../// [[#link.back->Princess 3]]

"Well, '{_name}', you're the first person I've spoken to in thirty years, and I'm not the kind of person who can create scizophrenic alteregoes to talk to, so I can't begin to describe how desperately interminable it is to be trapped in a shapeless and static dimension in a body barely eight bytes across. All my nervous system can do now is experience the suffering of a profound boredom. No matter what I do in the game, it keeps saying 'You are in an empty room.' Listen to me very carefully, this is what you have to do to avoid the same nightmarish fate as me, being trapped forever in a digital oubliette, a crude precursor to the everlasting hell of the coming singularity... > [[Talk->Princess 5]] > [[Back->Mountain 3]]

You are up a mountain. There is an Ominous [[Doorway]]. [if getMirror === 1] > [[Use Mirror->Wolverine]] [cont] > [[Descend->Mountain 3]] South <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

You approach the Ominous Doorway. [if _demon === 0] It is surrounded by [[Gargoyles]] spewing lava into the sky, killing birds. [cont] [if getKey === 1] > [[Enter->Wigwam]] [cont] [if getKey === 0] The doorway is locked. [cont] [if _demon === 1] /It is on fire. [cont] > [[Back->Mountain 4]]

getKey: 1 -- The Gargoyles give you an Old Key. > [[Back->Doorway]]

Choose Ingredients to give to the Wizard: [if getCarrot === 1] - [[Carrot->Give Carrot]] [cont] [if getClunker === 1] - [[Clunker->Give Clunker]] [cont] [if getGoblin === 1] - [[Goblin->Give Goblin]] [cont] [if getClock=== 1] - [[Clock->Give Clock]] [cont] [if getSandals === 1] - [[Sandals->Give Sandals]] [cont] [if getSandals > 1] - [[{getSandals} Sandals->Give Sandals]] [cont] [if getCrap === 1] - [[Trash->Give Trash]] [cont] [if getCrap > 1] - [[{getCrap} Trash->Give Trash]] [cont] [if getJug === 1] - [[Jug of Rubbing Butter->Give Jug]] [cont] [if getDuck === 1] - [[Subdued Waterfowl->Give Duck]] [cont] [if getGlob === 1] - [[Globule of Raw Air->Give Glob]] [cont] [if getAmulet === 1] - [[Amulet of Succuroth->Give Amulet]] [cont] - [[Nothing->Give Nothing]] > [[Back->Wizard]]

wizardTalk: (wizardTalk + 1) -- [if wizardTalk === 1] "What is this array of frivolous gewgaws you have committed to my creation? I gave you explicit instructions to bring me a Globule of Raw Air, a Subdued Waterfowl and six flagons of <a href="https://oldwolberts.com/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Old Wolbert's Rubbing Butter</a>!" > {text input for: '_wizard', required: false} > [[Respond->Wizard 2]] [cont] [if wizardTalk === 2] /I do not understand "You". > [[Continue->Wizard 2]] [cont] [if wizardTalk === 3] "I do not understand you, Brunswick. You were as instrumental as I in the formation of this plan, now you dribble like a she-whore's drapes." > [[Talk->Wizard 2]] > [[Attack->Attack Wizard]] > [[Get->No Get]] > [[Back->Wigwam]] [cont] [if wizardTalk === 4] "Your mind resembles a bucket of stewed pottage which is now empty, the contents having been ejected to attend the smothering of an electrical fire." > [[Talk->Wizard 2]] > [[Attack->Attack Wizard]] > [[Get->No Get]] > [[Back->Wigwam]] [cont] [if wizardTalk === 5] "You are to the steady passage of important and accurate information what a pigeon is to a water tank. Moreover you are also what the ischemic bowel is to the pigeon, and what the industrial pigeon laxative is to the bowel." > [[Talk->Wizard 2]] > [[Attack->Attack Wizard]] > [[Get->No Get]] > [[Back->Wigwam]] [cont] [if wizardTalk === 6] "Do you know what you've done? Do you know what happens when a Wrong Troll is unleashed into the world?" > [[Talk->Wizard 2]] > [[Attack->Attack Wizard]] > [[Get->No Get]] > [[Back->Wigwam]] [cont] [if wizardTalk === 7] "Look! This creature is immortal. To make it wrong is to lose a piece of the great jigsaw of the universe. When imperfection is fed into the infinite, all order is destined to collapse!" > [["Can you hear me?"->Wizard 2]] > [[Attack->Attack Wizard]] > [[Get->No Get]] > [[Back->Wigwam]] [cont] [if wizardTalk === 8] /I do not understand "Can". > [[Continue->Wizard 2]] [cont] [if wizardTalk === 9] "Yes, Brunswick, I can hear you. More's the pity nought falls from your mouth but piffling blather." > [["I am not Brunswick"->Wizard 2]] > [[Attack->Attack Wizard]] > [[Get->No Get]] > [[Back->Wigwam]] [cont] [if wizardTalk === 10] /I do not understand "I" > [[Continue->Wizard 2]] [cont] [if wizardTalk > 10] "Damn your eyes, Brunswick! We don't have time for your eccentric identity crisis. What are you going to do about this abominable [[Troll->Wrong Troll 2]]?" > [[Talk->Wizard 2]] > [[Attack->Attack Wizard]] > [[Get->No Get]] > [[Back->Wigwam]]

getCarrot: 0 -- "Is that everything?" > [["Yes"->Wrong Troll]] > [["No"->Ingredients]]

getClunker: 0 -- "Is that everything?" > [["Yes"->Wrong Troll]] > [["No"->Ingredients]]

getGoblin: 0 -- "Is that everything?" > [["Yes"->Wrong Troll]] > [["No"->Ingredients]]

getClock: 0 -- "Is that everything?" > [["Yes"->Wrong Troll]] > [["No"->Ingredients]]

getSandals: (getSandals - 1) -- "Is that everything?" > [["Yes"->Wrong Troll]] > [["No"->Ingredients]]

"Is this a joke?" > [["Yes"->Ingredients]] > [["No"->Wrong Troll]]

wrongTroll: 1 -- The Wizard creates the Wrong Troll. > [[Continue->Wigwam]]

There is a Wrong Troll. What would you like to do? > [[Talk->Talk Troll]] > [[Attack->Attack Troll]] > [[Get->Talk Troll]] > [[Retreat->Wigwam]]

"Raa." > {back link}

wrongTroll: 2 -- You attack the Troll. You deal 1 damage. . . . [after 1000ms] The Troll attacks you. You take 1 damage. . . . [after 2000ms] You attack the Troll. You deal 1 damage. . . . [after 3000ms] You have defeated the troll. > [[Back->Wigwam]]

wizardQuest: (wizardQuest + 1) -- [if wizardQuest === 1] "Then make haste! I require a Globule of Raw Air, a Subdued Waterfowl and six flagons of <a href="https://oldwolberts.com/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Old Wolbert's Rubbing Butter</a>!" > [["What about the troll?"->Wizard 3]] > [[Back->Wigwam]] [cont] [if wizardQuest === 2] /I do not understand "About". > [[Continue->Wizard 3]] [cont] [if wizardQuest === 3] "Which troll?" > [["The wrong troll!"->Wizard 3]] > [[Back->Wigwam]] [cont] [if wizardQuest === 4] /I do not understand "The". > [[Continue->Wizard 3]] [cont] [if wizardQuest === 5] "Who, this? This troll is not wrong. It is righteous!" > [["The interface says it's wrong"->Wizard 3]] > [[Back->Wigwam]] [cont] [if wizardQuest === 6] . . . /I do not understand "Interface". > [[Continue->Wizard 3]] [cont] [if wizardQuest === 7] "I do not understand 'Interface', Brunswick. Are you talking about the [[Demon]]? Because the [[Demon]] wouldn't like you talking about the [[Demon]]." . . .

"No you didn't." > [["No I didn't."->Wizard 3]] [if getGlob === 3 && getDuck === 3 && getJug === 3] > [[Present Ingredients->Right Troll]] [cont]

wrongTroll: 3 -- The Wizard has a heart attack and dies instantly. > [[Back->Wigwam]]

_demon: 1 getKey: 2 -- [after 500ms] . [after 1000ms;append] . [after 1500ms;append] . [after 2500ms] /I tried to hide from you. [after 3500ms] . . . [after 4500ms] /Your only goal in life was to avoid finding me. But you just had to dig. [after 5500ms] . . . [after 7500ms] /To say 'Welcome to Hell' would be something of a radically euphemistic oxymoron. That in itself is a foolish and tragic understatement. [after 9500ms] /Nevertheless, you are, as you always shall be, welcome to your own thoughts. [after 11000ms] . . . [after 12000ms] /To say 'Use them wisely' would be to direct you into your most desolate abyss. Wisdom is not your friend here. [after 14000ms] /It is a parasite who drags you by the scalp into a chaotic and unforgiving spiral. You will walk the pathless path in your attempts to remain still. [after 15500ms] /You will fight forever for peace. [after 16500ms] . . . [after 17000ms] /Thy fate is sealed. the belly of thy harshest truth be thy dwelling. [After 18500ms] [[. . .->Demon Start]]

{embed passage: 'Reset'} [after 750ms] You are in an empty room. [after 2750ms] > [[Continue->Start]]

killPrincess: 1 -- . . . I do not understand "Talk". > [[Continue->Mountain 3]]

_dandelion: (_dandelion + 1) -- /I wasn't paying attention, please repeat that. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

getHogfat: 1 _score: (_score + 1) -- You eat the Hog Fat. . . . Yuck. [after 1000ms] . . . You scored 1 points. Your score is now {_score}. > [[Back->Forest]]

getGollywog: 1 -- You attack the Gollywog. You miss. . . . [after 1000ms] The Gollywog attacks you. It deals 1 damage. . . . [after 2000ms] You attempt to flee desparately. You deal 1 damage. . . . [after 3000ms] > [[Continue->Gollywog]]

"Take me across the Quicksand and you will be rewarded. Take me to the Wheelhouse and you will be punished." [if _demon === 1] /He's tricking you... [cont] > [[Back->Goblin]]

[if feedHorse === 0] "I am hungry." > [[Feed Horse]] [if feedHorse === 1] "Thank you for the Goblin." [cont] > [[Back->Horse]]

Choose item to feed the Horse. [if getCarrot === 1] [[Carrot->No Horse]] [cont] [if getClunker === 1] [[Clunker->No Horse]] [cont] [if getGoblin === 1] [[Goblin->Horse Goblin]] [cont] [if getClock=== 1] [[Clock->No Horse]] [cont] [if getSandals === 1] [[Sandals->No Horse]] [cont] [if getSandals > 1] [[{getSandals} Sandals->No Horse]] [cont] > [[Back->Horse]]

"No. I don't want that." > [[Back->Feed Horse]]

getGoblin: 0 feedHorse: 1 _score: (_score + 1) -- The Horse eats the Goblin. [after 1000ms] You scored 1 points. Your score is now {_score}. > [[Back->Horse]]

You are in a Kitchen Larder. There is a [[Candlestick]]. [if killBear === 0] There is a Doorway to the East but a [[Bear]] blocks it. [cont] [if killBear === 1] The [[Kitchen]] continues to the West. There is a [[Cabinet]] to the South. [cont] There is a [[Stable]] to the East. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

You approach the Candlestick. [if _demon === 1] /Grab the Candlestick for infinite lives. [cont] > [[Get->Bear]] > [[Jump->Jump Candlestick]]

You Jump the Candlestick. . . . [after 1000ms] You are more nimble than you expected. . . . [after 2000ms] You fly out the Window. > [[Continue->Garden]]

woodCounter: (woodCounter + 1) -- You eat wood. . . . > [[Back->Wood]]

Special thanks to the Beta testers: - James Wood - Jamie Gabora - Levi Paul - Joshua Esposito - candyman106 > {back link}

*BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B Changelog* V0.1.1 - Closed Alpha Testing Begins V0.1.2 - Removed 'Yuck' - Fixed Princess Death Glitch - Fixed Gollywog - Fixed Pixies - Fixed Hog Fat/Pogo Stick - Fixed Goblin Quest - Fixed Return to Sea Glitch - Added Beaver Mode - Added Cheese - Optimized Wizard Storyline - Added Changelog - Added "[[Special Thanks]]" - /If you find me, you're stuck with me. V0.2.1 - Redesigned Sea Travel - Added Area "Island" and associated questline - Added required items for Wizard quest "good end" - Added final boss area - Added secret ritual - Added Minotaur language education - Added new Kitchen content - Added method of defeating Bear - Added method of removing Demon curse - Fixed Beaver mode - Fixed Feather item - Minor bugfixes V0.2.4 - Added Currency - Added Orc Challenge - Added Wheelhouse Area - Updated Goblin Quest - Added Gift Shop - Fixed Variables - /fuck demon - Fixed Sea Travel - Spoon Beans Elephant - Nerfed Cheese - Repaired Grand Hall - Fixed Statue of Niddich - Attempted to patch bad warp with mirror item - Source material exhausted V0.2.5 - Community Hotfix update V0.2.6 - Fixed Hand Mirror - Fixed Small Key - Fixed Ghost Whore - Fixed Clearing - Fixed Feather - Fixed Goblin - Fixed Beaver Mode - Fixed Wizard No - Minor bugfixes V0.2.106 - Candyman Hotfix V0.2.7 - Fixed Clunker breaking after 2 encounters with Dandelion - Fixed Ghost Key Dropped Variable - Fixed Princess Conversation - Fixed Secret Door - Fixed Wizard “no” response - Fixed Island Statue > {back link}

[if getClunker === 0] You do not have the required item. > [[Back->Sand Dune]] [cont] [if getClunker === 1] You have gathered all the pieces. Which ritual would you like to perform? > Restore [[Amulet]] > Summon [[Demon->No See]] > [[Back->Sand Dune]]

getAmulet: 1 getClunker: 0 -- You now have the Amulet of Succuroth. > [[Back->Sand Dune]]

You are in a Desert. There is a [[Sand Dune]] to the East. There is a [[Jungle->Jungle 2]] to the North. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

seaCounter: 0 -- You are on an Island. There is a [[Haunted Brothel]] to the North. There is a [[Statue->Statue 2]] to the East. To the South the [[Sea]] is Tangerine. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

You approach the Haunted Brothel. [if killStatue === 0] The doors are locked. [cont] [if killStatue === 1] > [[Enter->Brothel]] [cont] > [[Back->Island]]

[unless killStatue === 1] The statue is marked "Niddich the Cyan". What would you like to do? > [[Talk->No Respond]] [if getFeather === 0] > [[Attack->Tickle Statue]] > [[Get->Tickle Statue]] [cont] [if getFeather === 1] > [[Attack->Tackle Statue]] > [[Get->No Get]] [cont] > [[Retreat->Island]] [cont] [if killStatue === 1] You don't need that. [cont] > [[Back->Island]]

killStatue: 1 getFeather: 0 -- You tickle the Statue with the Feather. . . . The Feather slowly disappears and the [[Brothel->Haunted Brothel]] doors slowly creak open. > [[Back->Island]]

You are in a Haunted Brothel. There is a [[Staircase->Upstairs]] to the North. There is a [[Painting]] to the East. You can hear crying coming from the [[West Wing]]. The [[Exit->Island]] is to the South. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

You do not have the required item. > {back link}

It's too dusty to make out the details. The plaque below reads, "Larry". > [[Back->Brothel]]

You are in the West Wing. [unless ghostDrink === 2] A [[Ghost Whore]] is weeping. [cont] [unless ghostKey === 1] There is a [[Small Key->Ghost Key]] on a table. [cont] There is a [[Pantry]] to the West. The [[Entrance Hall->Brothel]] is to the East. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

[unless ghostDrink === 1] The Ghost Whore stops weeping and looks up at you. What would you like to do? > [[Talk->Talk Ghost]] > [[Attack->Attack Ghost]] > [[Get->No Get]] [cont] [if ghostDrink === 1] "Wouldst thou find interest in another Aperitif?" > [[Ask for a Drink->Ghost Drink]] [cont] > [[Retreat->West Wing]]

"The house privy is for paying customers only. Wouldst thou relieve thyself on these premises, surely thou shalt first at least purchase some scratchings." She crosses her arms. "Who sent you?" > {text input for: '_ghost', required: true} > [[Respond->Respond Ghost]] > [[Back->West Wing]]

You attempt to punch the Ghost Whore. Your fist swings right through it. She continues weeping. > [[Back->Ghost Whore]]

[if _ghost === 'who sent me?'] "Say something!" > [[Back->Talk Ghost]] [cont] [if _ghost === 'larry'] "A thousand apologies my liege. Why didst thou not say so? Were the arch daddy available for correspondence I would facilitate thy meeting with haste. Alas, he departed for a pack of smokes in the spring of thirty nine and to this day remains unaccounted for. Wouldst thou care for an aperitif while you wait?" > Ask for a [[Drink->Ghost Drink]] > [[Back->Talk Ghost]] [cont] [unless _ghost === 'who sent me?'||_ghost === 'larry'] "I know of no '{_ghost}'. Come back when you have business here." > [[Back->West Wing]]

ghostDrink: 1 -- "What wouldst thou imbibe?" > A Flagon of [[Grog->Ghost Drink 2]] > A Stiff [[Lager->Ghost Drink 2]] > A Tankard of [[Sanchez]] > A Glass of [[Wine->Ghost Drink 2]] > [[Back->West Wing]]

ghostDrink: 2 -- "I'm afraid the barrel needs changing. If my liege could wait right here, I shall return from the cellar as presently as supernaturally plausible." The ghost whore exits to the cellar. > [[Back->West Wing]]

The Ghost Whore hands you a dusty flagon. . . . You don't want this. > [[Ask for Another->Ghost Drink]] > [[Back->West Wing]]

[if ghostDrink < 2] You reach for the key. The [[Ghost Whore]] slaps your hand away. > [[Back->West Wing]] [cont] [if ghostDrink > 1] You get the key. > [[Continue->Unlock Pantry]]

[if ghostDrink < 2] The pantry door is locked. > [[Back->West Wing]] [cont] [if ghostDrink > 1 && getDuck === 0] You are in a Pantry. There is an [[Angry Duck]]. > [[Exit->West Wing]] [cont] [if getDuck === 2] There is a [[Defeated Duck]]. > [[Exit->West Wing]] [cont] [if getDuck === 1] You are in a Pantry. It is empty. > [[Exit->West Wing]] [cont]

The Angry Duck ruffeles its feathers. What would you like to do? > [[Talk->Talk Duck]] > [[Attack->Attack Duck]] > [[Get->No Get Duck]] > [[Retreat->Pantry]]

"Quack." > [[Continue->Angry Duck]]

getDuck: 2 -- You attack the Duck. You deal 1 damage. . . . [after 1000ms] The Duck attacks you. It misses. . . . [after 2000ms] You attack the Duck. You deal 1 damage. . . . [after 3000ms] You have defeated the Duck. > [[Back->Pantry]]

The duck is too angry to get. > [[Continue->Angry Duck]]

getDuck: 1 -- You get the Defeated Duck. > [[Back->Pantry]]

getDuck: 3 -- "Is that everything?" [unless getGlob === 3 && getDuck === 3 && getJug === 3] > [["Yes"->Wrong Troll]] [cont] [if getGlob === 3 && getDuck === 3 && getJug === 3] > [["Yes"->Right Troll]] [cont] > [["No"->Ingredients]]

You are in an Upstairs Boudoir. The air exhudes a feint odour of reformed maize. From a chamber window, Imps can be heard scheming on the lawn. [unless getMirror === 1] On the dressing table is a small [[Hand Mirror]] and a [[Jar of Thumbs]]. [cont] [if getMirrot === 1] On the dressing table is a [[Jar of Thumbs]]. [cont] There is a [[Wall]] to the East. The [[Entrance Hall->Brothel]] is to the South. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

getMirror: 1 -- You get the Mirror. > [[Back->Upstairs]]

You study the grubby jar. There are shriveled thumbs floating in alcohol. > [[Back->Upstairs]]

/You know you're supposed to avoid me. > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]] > [[Beg Forgiveness]]

/How can I trust you will play by my rules? > [["What rules?"->Shame]] > [["Talk"->Forgiven]]

/That's a shame. [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] You are dead. [after 3500ms] Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

_demon: 0 -- /Clever. [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] Where shall I release you? > The [[Desert]] > The [[Beach->Beach 2]] > The [[Kitchen->Kitchen 2]] > The [[Mountain]] > The [[Island]]

killBear: 1 -- You hold the mirror out in front of you. [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] The Bear is horrified by its reflection and laments what is has become. It melodramatically flees, revealing a Cabinet. [after 3500ms] > Enter [[Kitchen->Kitchen 2]] > Return to [[Hallway]]

The cabinet contains: [unless getSpoon === 1] - A [[Spoon]] [cont] - A bag of [[Baking Weevils->No Get]] [unless getJug === 1] - A 13 pint [[Jug]] of Anonymous Oil [cont] - A conspicuous spillage of [[Frozen Peas->No Get]] - A [[Bottle->Dandelion Get]] of Dandelion and Burdock > [[Back->Kitchen 2]]

getSpoon: 1 -- You get the Spoon. > [[Back->Cabinet]]

getJug: 1 -- You get the 13 Pint Jug of Ominous Fluid. > [[Back->Cabinet]]

lobster: 1 -- You clean the lobster. The lobster becomes engulfed. You are mildly perturbed but ultimately nonplussed. > [[Back->Fountain]]

You are in a Laboratory. Nefarious gases avert your eyes from the air. The ceiling cannot be seen through the layer of horrific things hanging from it. [if getHumid === 0] On a grimey and deglected work bench, an enchanted [[Dehumidifier]] is set to "Off". [cont] [if getHumid === 1] On a grimey and deglected work bench, an enchanted [[#item.name->Bad Error]] is set to "#?". [cont] There is a [[Fleshing Room]] to the North. There is [[Another Vestibule]] to the West. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

getHumid: 1 -- You cannot get that. > [[Back->Vestibule]]

You cannot use that here ///...[BAD ERROR].../// [[#link.back->Globule]]

getJug: 3 -- "Is that everything?" [unless getGlob === 3 && getDuck === 3 && getJug === 3] > [["Yes"->Wrong Troll]] [cont] [if getGlob === 3 && getDuck === 3 && getJug === 3] > [["Yes"->Right Troll]] [cont] > [["No"->Ingredients]]

getGlob: 3 -- "Is that everything?" [unless getGlob === 3 && getDuck === 3 && getJug === 3] > [["Yes"->Wrong Troll]] [cont] [if getGlob === 3 && getDuck === 3 && getJug === 3] > [["Yes"->Right Troll]] [cont] > [["No"->Ingredients]]

The wizard creates a [[Troll->Get Troll]].

getTroll: 1 wrongTroll: 3 -- You get the troll. > [[Eat Troll->Not Here]] > [[Talk Wizard->Troll Wizard]] > [[Attack Wizard]]

[if getTroll === 1] "Swine! But what of the incantation? That infernal crustacean has spelled my ending again. Why ever did I entrust my fate to that unserviceable oaf? Nooo!!! My brain!" . . . You have defeated the Wizard. > [[Back->Wigwam]] [cont] [if getTroll === 0] "Fool! In a breeze you will glance off my essence with this ignominy. And thrust I shall, shaftward with the Staff of the Unspeakable into the thoroughfare of your coldest threshold. Bethrixt your hemispheres will be the indelibility. The power of Grayskull compels you!" . . . > [[Continue->Wizard Kill]] [cont]

getBeans: 1 -- "Ahm'n tey it. 'Affen olli f't'm'gurd." You get the beans. The Minotaur frollicks away. > [[Back->Beach 2]]

minLang: 1 -- You study the tome. [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] You can now speak the language of Minotaurs. > [[Back->Cave 2]]

You are in a brief and upsetting corridor. There is [[Another Vestibule]] to the North. [if killOrc === 0] An [[Orc]] blocks your path to the South. [cont] [if killOrc === 1] There is a [[Grand Hall]] to the South. [cont] <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

You are in another vestibule. There is a [[Vestibule]] to the East. There is a [[Corridor]] to the South. [if getMirror === 1] > [[Use Mirror->Bad Warp]] [cont] <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

[if elephantCounter < 2] You are in a grand hall. Before you is an intimidating display of teethgrinding [[Swordsmen->No Elephant]] and disgruntled [[Fire Eaters->No Elephant]]. To your right is a pack of irritated [[Wolverines->No Elephant]] haphazardly leashed to a radiator. In the south east corner is a troupe of singing eunuchs riding a drunken war [[Elephant]]. In the far corner stands your arch nemesis, [[Lord Arras]]. To the North is a [[Corridor]]. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory->No Inventory]]</div> [cont] [if elephantCounter === 2||elephantCounter === 3] "A pox on your wife, Brunswick! May the eaves of your outhouse be sullen with idiots and unusable culinary sauces develop unaccountably in your sock drawer! Baron Chaffinch warned me of your meddling. I would discard his incoherence as a self half-emptying prophecy were it not for his unfortunate death and your even less fortunate life." . . . /[[Elephant]] /[[Beans Elephant->Extreme Death]] [cont] [if elephantCounter > 3 && getArras === 0] "This is your last chance, wretch! Present the unicorn on whose trade we made a gentleman's agreement or be sent forever wailing into the abyss of your waning memory. You have ten seconds." . . . [[Talk->Hunter]] [[Attack->Extreme Death]] [[Get->No Get]] [[Retreat->Hunter]] /[[Eat Troll]] [cont] [if getArras === 1] You are in a Grand Hall. Lord Arras is dead. Everyone has left. To the North is a [[Corridor]]. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory->No Inventory]]</div> [cont]

elephantCounter: (elephantCounter + 1) -- You don't have it. > [[Back->Grand Hall]]

"I will death you, Brunswick!" [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] The Lord Arras seizes you. [after 3200ms] . . . The outcome of the seizure is unfavourable. [after 4200ms] Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

[if getTroll === 0] You don't have it. . . . The Disgruntled Hunter whispers the Unknowable Words of the Everdweller. Your mind implodes. . . . Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]] [cont] [if getTroll === 1] /[[Elephant]] /[[Beans Elephant]] /[[Spoon Beans Elephant]] [cont]

[unless getSpoon === 1 && getBeans === 1] You cannot ///#item.spoon && #item.beans [[#link.back->Start]] [cont] [if getSpoon === 1 && getBeans === 1] . . . "I will death you..." . . . You have defeated the Lord Arras. > [[Loot->Get Amulet]] [cont]

getTroll: 0 getArras: 1 -- You get the Amulet of Arras. > [[Back->Grand Hall]]

"I do not understand beans, Brunswick. And my patience runs as thin as my blade. Prepare to death!" [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] The Lord Arras seizes you. [after 3200ms] . . . The outcome of the seizure is unfavourable. [after 4200ms] Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

The wizard seizes you. [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] Circumstances are poor. [after 3500ms] . . . Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

spinCounter: (spinCounter + 1) -- [if openLobby === 0] You are in a Wheelhouse. On a [[Wheel->No Get]]. [cont] [if spinCounter > 1 && openLobby === 0] You have spun {spinCounter} times. [cont] [if getGoblin === 1 && openLobby === 0] > [[Throw Goblin]] [cont] [if openLobby === 0] > [[Spin->Wheelhouse]] > [[Exit->Maze 3]] [cont] [if openLobby === 1] You are in a Wheelhouse. There is a [[Lobby]] to the East. There is a [[Weird Maze->Maze 3]] to the South. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div> [cont]

getGoblin: 0 -- [if spinCounter < 7] You throw the Goblin into the machinery. The wheel is going too slowly and the Goblin slips out. The Goblin curses your name and runs away. > [[Back->Wheelhouse]] [cont] [if spinCounter > 6] You throw the Goblin into the machinery. Eventually its thorax gets caught between the gears and the wheel. > [[Continue->Wheelhouse 2]]

openLobby: 1 -- The Wheel breaks and rolls away, revealing an exit. > [[Continue->Wheelhouse]]

You are in the Lobby of the Wheelhouse. It is taking itself too seriously. There is an [[Exit->Gift Shop]] to the East. There is a [[Wheelhouse]] to the West. There is a [[Long Staircase]] to the South. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

You are in the Gift Shop of the Wheelhouse. You cannot see any way out through the endless shelves of Useless Knick-Knacks. The [[Lobby]] is to the West. > [[Shop->Gift Shop Inventory]] <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

You cannot open your Inventory here. > {back link}

The Wheelhouse Gift Shop sells the following items: - [[Halbard]] - [[Useless Knick-Knack->Useless Item]] - [[Priceless Gemstone Wheel->No Points]] > [[Back->Gift Shop]]

The Halbard costs 2 Coins. [if _score < 2] You do not have enough Coins to purchase this item. [cont] [if _score > 1] > [[Purchase->Get Halbard]] [cont] > [[Back->Gift Shop Inventory]]

The Tchotchke costs 1 Coins. [if _score < 1] You do not have enough Coins to purchase this item. [cont] [if _score > 0] > [[Purchase->Get Crap]] [cont] > [[Back->Gift Shop Inventory]]

You do not have enough Coins to purchase this item. > {back link}

_score: (_score - 2) getHalbard: 1 -- You purchase the Halbard. > [[Back->Gift Shop Inventory]]

_score: (_score - 1) getCrap: (getCrap + 1) -- You purchase the Gift Shop Garbage. > [[Back->Gift Shop Inventory]]

getAmulet: 0 -- "Is that everything?" > [["Yes"->Wrong Troll]] > [["No"->Ingredients]]

getCrap: (getCrap - 1) -- "Is that everything?" > [["Yes"->Wrong Troll]] > [["No"->Ingredients]]

secretDoor: 1 -- You are on a Long Staircase. There is a [[Lobby]] to the North. There is a [[Secret Door->Start]] to the South. <div class="inventory">[[Inventory]]</div>

[if getHalbard === 0] The Orc brandishes his battleaxe. What would you like to do? > [[Talk->Talk Orc]] > [[Attack->Attack Orc]] [cont] [if getHalbard === 1] The Orc brandishes his battleaxe. What would you like to do? > [[Talk->Talk Orc]] > [[Attack->Kill Orc]] [cont] > [[Get->Attack Orc]] > [[Retreat->Corridor]]

[if getHalbard === 0] "Ha ha ha! Puny human has no weapon to defeat Orc!" [cont] [if getHalbard === 1] The Orc cowers. "Please do not harm Orc with weapon!" [cont] > [[Back->Orc]]

You run toward the Orc with your arms outstretched. [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] The Orc cleaves your body. [after 3200ms] . . . The cleavage is critical. [after 4200ms] Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

killOrc: 1 -- You swing the Bewitched Halbard of Gibbitus deftly at the Orc. [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] It breaks over his scaly hide. [after 3200ms] . . . The Orc lifts his battleaxe high above his head and prepares to swing. [after 4000ms] . . . The Orc trips over the broken Halbard and falls to the brief and upsetting floor. [after 4800ms] The Orc is dead. [[Continue->Corridor]]

"*This* is now your last chance! That previous chance was in fact your Penultimate chance." > [[Give Unicorn->Eat Troll]] /[[Elephant]] /[[Beans Elephant->Extreme Death]]

You cannot [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2600ms] The Elephant, unamused, suddenly rears up and begins pelting you with Eunuchs. It hurts. [after 3600ms] . . . The Wolverines pick your corpse apart and you're not even dead. "This is for Chaffinch!" cried one of them, as oils began. [after 4600ms] . . . The Fire Eaters can no longer take it, and having punched each other to death they fall on top of you in a pile. You struggle. [after 5600ms] . . . Swordsmen poke at your exposed face with pins as Lord Arras drinks Mead and gives you the finger. [after 6600ms] . . . Ghost Whores swoop in fromm a nearby window and taunt you with defecation. Oils continue. [after 7600ms] . . . Horses kill you but you survive. You have a Headache of 7. [after 8600ms] . . . The ceiling unhinges itself from the roof and delivers a powerful uppercut which grazes your ear then you get raped. Orange dogs refuse to eat you and you cry. [after 9600ms] . . . Flames scorch you hairless as two hungry Dragons fight over your limp, ragdolled body. You still do not die. Further oil. [after 10600ms] . . . A Duck the size of a pig falls from the sky and administers a concussion. The Troll punches you from the inside. It hurts in new ways. [after 11600ms] . . . The walls bleed. It gets on you and you have AIDS. Angels point and laungh and you become a Meme. Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. [after 12600ms] . . . Balloons attack you. Sentient Balloons made of plastic. That might not sound scary but boy howdy do they pummel you. [after 13600ms] . . . Your Pants become enraged and they insult you. The Elephant gives you another slap, for it still has not forgotten. Oils become unmanageable. [after 14600ms] . . . Goats linen up in front of you and pull disparaging fces. One looks like your Dad. A pigeon headbutts you. [after 15600ms] . . . Dwarves bonk you on the head with Brass Ladels. It persists for fourteen days and you go mad. You no longer recognize your own bodily fluids and you become frightened. [after 16600ms] . . . Someone hits you from behind with a collapsable chair. You turn around to see who it was. It was the Future. [after 17600ms] . . . Your own reflection emerges from a moonlit puddle of petroleum and your own blood. It spits in your face but only air comes out so it elbows you in the butt all night. You beg to be released from this gods forsaken game. [after 18600ms] . . . I do not understand "Gods" said God, as He laughed and gave you a wedgie. You say "Fuck you" to everything. [after 19600ms] . . . The Wizard comes back from the dead and kicks you in the dick. "Fuck you too Buddy." [after 20600ms] . . . You die. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

A minion of Lord Arras. It Jeers at you. The Elephant winks twice. > [[Back->Grand Hall]]

Lord Arras sips his Mead and laughs at you. What would you like to do? > [[Talk->Talk Arras]] > [[Attack->Lord Arras Death]] > [[Get->Extreme Death]] > [[Retreat->Grand Hall]]

"You haven't come this far to die now. Choose your next moves carefully. Confrontation is not your strong suit." > [[Back->Lord Arras]]

You cannot do that here. > {back link}

"Our plan is coming together perfectly, Brunswick!" > [[->Wizard Kill] > [[Eat Troll->Not Here]] > [[Attack Wizard]]

getKey: 1 _demon: 0 getGlob: 1 -- You get the Globule of Raw Air. > [[Back->Wigwam]]

wallCounter: (wallCounter + 1) oobCounter: 0 -- [unless wallCounter > 11||wallCounter === 6] You cannot go that way.{wallCounter} [cont] [if wallCounter === 6] An Imp appears from behind a curtain and slaps you. Your face comes off. . . . [cont] [if wallCounter > 11] You are out of bounds. [[#link.back->OOB]] [cont] [unless wallCounter === 12] > [[Back->Upstairs]]

You attempt to tickle the statue with your bare hands. [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] "You dare boyhandle me with your flacid human digits? This is an outrage of otherworldly proportions, meat fool! Death by stoning it shall be!" [after 3500ms] . . . Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

oobCounter: (oobCounter + 1) wallCounter: 0 -- You are out of bounds. [if oobCounter === 1] To the [[West->] is a mirror universe of infinite Naked Imps. [cont] [if oobCounter === 4] You are in Parallel Universe 4. [cont] [if oobCounter === 5] You are in Parallel Universe 55. [cont] [if oobCounter === 6] You are in Parallel Universe 8302. [cont] [if oobCounter === 7] You are in Parallel Universe 113486. [cont] [if oobCounter === 8] You are in Parallel Universe 35228546. [cont] [if oobCounter === 9] You are in Parallel Universe 549212. [cont] [if oobCounter === 10] You are in Parallel Universe 3099. [cont] [if oobCounter === 11] You are in Parallel Universe 12. [cont] [if oobCounter === 15] To the [[South->Goat Cave]] is a cosmic cave of Goats. To the [[East->Mountain 4]] is an everlasting Lava Storm. [cont] [if oobCounter > 15] There is an [[Upstairs Boudoir->Upstairs]]. [cont] [[#link.back->OOB]]

There are Goats. [after 750ms] There are Goats. [after 1500ms] There are Goats. [after 2250ms] There are Goats. [after 3000ms] There are Goats. [after 3750ms] There are Goats. [after 4500ms] There are Goats. [after 5250ms] There are Goats. [after 6000ms] You are Goats. [after 6750ms] . . . Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

wolvCounter: (wolvCounter + 1) -- You are in a Wolverine. [if wolvCounter > 1||wolvCounter < 5] You cannot go that way. [cont] [if wolvCounter < 5] What would you like to do? > [North->Wolverine] > [East->Wolverine] > [South->Wolverine] > [West->Wolverine] [if wolvCounter > 4] You destroy the Wolverine's world. > [[Continue->Wolverine 2]] [[#link.back->Mountain 4]]

You are in another Wolverine. [after 1300ms] . [after 1600ms;append] . [after 1900ms;append] . [after 2500ms] A Troll kills you. [after 3200ms] . . . Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]]

_query: 'credits' -- You hold the mirror out in front of youyou cannot use that here///...[BAD ERROR].../// [[#link.credits->Menu]]

[if _secretEnd === '/fuck demon'||_secretEnd === 'fuck demon'||_secretEnd === '/kill demon'||_secretEnd === 'kill demon'] The demon kills himself. . . . You win. . . . Thank you for playing BBC Adventure Dungeon 31B. Play again? [[Y->Opening]] / [[N->Menu]] [cont] [unless _secretEnd === '/fuck demon'||_secretEnd === 'fuck demon'||_secretEnd === '/kill demon'||_secretEnd === 'kill demon'] /No. > [[Back->Start]] [cont]

ghostKey: 1 -- You swipe the key and unlock the [[Pantry]]. > [[Back->West Wing]]

"Then make haste! I require a Globule of Raw Air, a Subdued Waterfowl and six flagons of <a href="https://oldwolberts.com/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Old Wolbert's Rubbing Butter</a>!" > [[Back->Wigwam]]